Alone in the dark

Sometimes being the only one awake in the middle of the night can be very lonely. Not that despondent, dropping into a deep depression lonely, just the realization that there's nobody to talk to, and nobody to listen, at this hour. I'm generally the "listener" anyway, in all of my relationships (friendship, family, etc.), so I'm not sure that I'd know how to function with a real listener. Anyway, here I sit, unable to sleep, thinking about my life.

Blogs are not meant to be diaries, and yet I have seen some that resemble diaries. I read some that become pictures of life events, some that detail every interaction that takes place in a weeks time, and some that ramble on incessantly about personal feelings. I don't want a diary. I just feel the need to say what I want to say about anything and everything, including my own life, minus the true details that would give away my address, and work place. *insert quiet pensive laughter here* I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now, and some are related to the personal, some are related to current events, some involve a hot cup of coffee with a packet of hot chocolate dumped into it. The latter sounds really good right now, and thought it will probably keep me awake even longer, I think that I shall give in to it, and all of the above.

All of the above is a good label to use for this kind of post, me thinks. Therefore, the birth of a new label has come, and shall evermore be used whenever nothing else applies. All of the Above! Capital A's all around, just for my own entertainment.

My monitor is beginning to go on the fritz, or it's trying to communicate with me. It keeps flashing various levels of brightness, and then going dim again. Not always... only occasionally. I don't want to buy a new monitor. I'm attached to this one.

Random thoughts:

I remember being pregnant with my son, and thinking of how wonderful it would be to finally enter the realm of adulthood, because I was becoming a mother. How stupid was I? *insert insane laughter here* When I try to remember how ignorant I was at that time I get a brain freeze. It's too difficult to put my head back in that time frame. I think the chemicals I used to lighten my hair must have caused my brain to forget that the little person I carried inside of me was going to need my undivided attention, and that my venture into adulthood would have to take a backseat.

Skip forward many years later, and now my son is a young man with special needs....
I think about all that I have put into his life, and let go of in my own, and I just let it go with a smile. Nothing in my life has been worth keeping hold of more than the role of mother, teacher, and comforter, for my son. He's still in the becoming phase, where he's learning to separate from me, and we're trying to find out what he is capable of doing to provide for himself. It's a tough time, because there's a lot of emotion all around, both mine and his. It's tough for me, but explosive for me, because he feels so frustrated with life, at present. The hardest part for him is learning to adapt his "routines" to what is necessary for functioning in society. Routines are hard to break for anybody but when you're "special" they're even more difficult to arrange in a way that is healthy. OCD is a part of his disability, and when I say a minor part, that's only because it's not at the top of his diagnosis, however it is with us every single day, in every single way, and can make me absolutely crazy sometimes, for want of being free from the LISTS.

I'm not a list maker. I'm not an appointment setter. I'm not an organizational guru. I'm not unclean, or a horror of a housekeeper, but I'm definitely not Mrs. Homemaker. I'm a cluttered, sort through it later, wash the dishes 4 times a week instead of 7 times a week, spend forever catching up to laundry, oh lord it's time to balance the checkbook again, person. I'm not irresponsible, but I'm not driven to please anybody but me. Problem: God gave me responsibility over somebody that requires intense focus, and the compulsion to be organized.

I once said this to Him in prayer:

"I realize that you never give us more than we can handle, but is it possible that you have confused me with somebody else?"

Said in jest of course, because I know in my heart that if anybody has a sense of humor it is our Creator. Some don't believe in Him. That's ok for them. I don't have the desire to interpret another person's life, nor to direct it. For me, life without a God, is impossible. For me, life in general tends to be impossible on a daily basis.

Nobody tells you when you're pregnant that you may or may not have a perfect little baby who will or will not keep up with the milestones set by whoever designated them as the "norm". Nobody tells you that your baby may grow up and not become independent like those "norm" kids. Nobody tells you that you won't care if they're "norm" or not, because you simply fall in love with the preciousness of the little soul that lives inside, and you find yourself thankful every day, even on the days that have been filled with screams of opposition, fit-throwing, and tears of sorrow, that you are so blessed to be a part of this beautiful child's life. I feel that way. Blessed. I'm thankful. I'm also exhausted... mostly emotionally... partially physically too. It's hard to explain to people who don't have kids that have special needs. They can't get into the same mode of thinking and realization that we (parents of these wonderful kids) can, because they just don't get it. I have some friends and a few family members who do get it, but I also have some who are completely oblivious to what is reality to me... to my son. I'll never forget the day my sister suggested that my son go outside and mow grandpa's lawn, because grandpa was getting too old. My son was 14, has been completely unable to ride a bike because of neuromuscular-skeletal damage, gets freaked out with loud noises, has panic/anxiety disorders, and doesn't comprehend machinery.... and she thought he could handing a driving lawn mower, on a 2 acre lawn. *insert tremendous pause* Ha.

Ok enough of that. Today was actually a good day. I got him to agree to a haircut, and he ate all 3 meals today, with no complaints about texture, taste, etc. *exhale*

Moving on.... and moving forward to another post about holidays and such.